September 3 2017
Much to my own aversion to the new meds, I started taking them Sunday night. That first night was extremely uncomfortable. A few minutes after taking the pill, I felt cumbersome; unyieldingly cemented in place. My mind was whirring away and I kept telling myself to move, to get up…but my body wouldn’t. I sat stagnant, swathed in a mental game of unrelenting resistance. I felt my eyelids grow heavy and still I forced myself to stay awake. I was playing an internal game of tennis; I wanted the meds to fail, didn’t I? Deep down I know life is a game of chess, not checkers. I can’t go into this disease looking for the easy answer.
It has been documented that getting too much sleep is almost as bad as not getting enough sleep. I do not know how accurate that is, but I definitely believe it after this week. I was taking the codeine as the doctor suggested, and even with my internal struggle against it, I have been getting a little over seven hours of sleep a night. Seven hours for me is almost unheard of; I have been living off of five, maybe six hours of broken sleep for years. Even with all of the extra sleep, I have felt more exhausted then ever.
Around the third day I started feeling off. Not bad-day off, but the-early-stages-of-depression off. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Not family, not friends, not even co-workers. I was blasting whiny music insanely loud and still not hearing the words. I truly did not have a feeling or care in the world. It wasn’t until I found myself sitting in the dark atop our stairs with headphones on that I realized I might need to start paying attention.
I have had my varying mood swings over the years to which Jon is attuned…but this time even he was worried. Well, fake it until you make it, right? It took some effort and a long conversation with Jon, but I think I have finally crested the hill. I am hoping that it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out; especially since the meds seem to be helping. Sigh!
This pill struggle has reminded me of some stuff that I haven’t thought of in years. When I was a kid I had this fictitious boyfriend named Harry. He was the heir to the Bayer Aspirin throne. Yes, I really planned out my life with Harry Bayer-Aspirin.
I believed, as Cassandra Clare wrote, “to love was to destroy.”
I have since found the error in my adolescent way of thinking, but not without my own struggles. I lived in a world of books and fantasy. I imagined Harry would come to me, armed with bags of aspirin and offer to fix me. In those days, I had no clue what was wrong with me; no diagnosis, not even people who believed me. The doctors couldn’t figure it out and my parents wanted me to attend therapy. I felt alone. Despite my feelings, I was still young enough to believe in the magic of the world.
Before diagnosis I had this boldness about me, I felt like the world owed me something. Imagine that bucket of cold water to my ideals when the doctors finally figured it out.
A diagnosis changes nothing while changing everything at the same time.
In fact, it will change everything about you, if you let it. I fell prey to the change for years, but I am finally starting to sort it all out.
One of the times I was in the hospital I had a room with a view of a seemingly forgotten street. It was early March so the air was chilly and left visible plumes of white frosted puffs. In the center of my window frame sat a street light. For days I watched this abandoned road light turn from yellow, to red, to green. It was the only constant thought in my head; it was my first taste of metamorphosis. I go back to this memory from time to time, often when I’m scared or frustrated. The light is a symbol: even without cars, the light keeps changing. The world keeps going, and I should, too.