May 20 2017

Socially Awkward

Socially awkward to my core, I spent years clinging to the notion of that which makes me different and weird separated me somehow. I thought I was a martyr of some long, drawn out and noble cause, like I was somehow meant to rise above. As I get older though, I am starting to realize I am not a chosen one or a mid-century victor, this is just life and in life there is a little bit of “doesn’t belong” in all of us. It’s what makes us unique and beautiful.  
I was doomed from the start; in addition to the intrinsic isolation stemming from years of emotional turmoil from an undiagnosed chronic illness, I was also home-schooled in high school. I could blame this decision on a lot of things: parents who wanted to bubble wrap me from the world, an under-funded school district, or maybe even the illness itself. But I won’t place blame. That isn’t really my forte.
I am choosing instead to offer some reflection on a life filled with loneliness, emptiness, and introspection through my blog, in the hope that someone can take away something or maybe connect with me on that level.
I read a lot, I am never pop culturally relevant, and nine out of ten times I don’t pick up on proper social ques. I have had to develop a thick skin and learn to laugh at myself. I am an over-anxious thinker and worrier. I spent so much time stressing and wondering “What if?” that I often miss out on the best the world has to offer.
I rarely see outside the black and white. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I cling to my loner status as a form of protection. I hate caring so much about what people think. I never feel good enough. I want to be accepted. I want to fit in. I want to belong. I feel alone in a crowd. Guilt consumes me. I live in a world of fiction and fantasy. I believe in the magic of a good story.
The thing about fairytales that has always attracted me to them is not the happily-ever-after; it is knowing that the dragon can be slayed, that evil can be destroyed, that the days I fight my hardest are not done so in vain.
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Posted May 20, 2017 by in category "Crohn's Disease

2 COMMENTS :

  1. By Claire Saul (PainPalsBlog) (Post author) on

    Hi, thanks so much for following me – I am so pleased to follow your great chronic illness blog back. My daughter’s middle name is “socially awkward” in our house, so this post jumped out! Really look forward to reading more and sharing, Claire x

    Reply
    1. By omydaisy (Post author) on

      Claire, thanks for the follow! I am new to the blog world- but I already love how much freer I feel, getting to share this part of my life.

      Reply

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